What kind of marriage is the happiest? These days, I heard a very interesting story—it's about two unwashed bowls. The protagonist is a quite "sober" woman who has a very clear division of labor in the household: she cooks, and her partner washes the dishes. But that night, after the man finished everything, dried his hands, and even walked out of the kitchen contentedly, he forgot about the two bowls left on the table. Does this sound like the beginning of some absurd play? But when he pointed this out, his reaction was very typical. He said, I dried my hands and didn't want to get them wet, so I'll wash them tomorrow. Then he just soaked the bowls in the sink and turned to play on his phone.

At that moment, these two bowls soaking in water were no longer just porcelain—they became a mental obstacle in the woman's heart. She lay in bed, and those two bowls seemed not to be in the kitchen, but on greasy ground, lying beside her pillow, even digging into her heart. Meanwhile, the man responsible was happily watching short videos, like an unthinking child.

Do you think he's angry because of the two unwashed bowls? Obviously not. What she was really upset about was a sense of losing control. Many of us walk into marriage holding an invisible script. In this script, I am the director, and you are the protagonist. I believe the bowls must be washed on the same day—they should be washed on the same day. I think the collar of the clothes shouldn't stretch out—so I handle them carefully. When the other person doesn't follow our script and recite the lines we expect, that anger, at its core, is a fear of losing power.

It reminds me of that woman, mentioning her mother—who disapproved of her father her whole life, criticizing him for not mopping the floor thoroughly, or for not knowing how to handle an oil bottle that had fallen. And what happened? She would be furious, attacking him, yet still doing all the chores herself, ending up full of resentment, while the man remained unchanged. Have you noticed this is the paradox of control? The more you want to turn the other into your ideal image, the more they become a pile of cotton—soft and fluffy—dissolving your strength and leaving it with you, causing internal wounds.

So, what is the most comfortable marriage? Later, the woman made a decision: she would stop trying to topple that roof and force her partner to wash the dishes, because she knew that would only lead to arguments and a bad night's sleep. She started asking herself, who am I actually living for? If you're uncomfortable simply because you're trying to control him, and he's not being controlled, then you're basically giving him the remote control of your emotions. The brutal truth is that most women and men are completely different beings.

In men, the concept of problem-solving orientation is prevalent. Even a single unwashed bowl is just a physical state to them; it doesn't mean they don't love you, nor does it mean they don't respect you. After they finish gaming, they can fall asleep instantly because their world doesn't have many twists and turns. Women, on the other hand, tend to be very thoughtful, good at making associations. Two bowls can lead her to think he’s inattentive, that he doesn’t love her, that their future life will be dull and gray.

In fact, happiness and comfort are always sought internally. There is a theory called Nonviolent Communication. Many people think that learning some speech techniques can turn the other person into a compliant machine—for example, turning “Why didn't you wash the bowls?” into “I'm feeling sad because the bowls weren't washed,” then expecting the other to immediately cry and do the chores. Friends, the essence of nonviolent communication isn't control; it's vulnerability. It’s not about forcing the other with a knife to change, but honestly showing your vulnerabilities. It’s not blaming him for being lazy, but telling him, I need a clean kitchen because it makes me feel happy and secure.

And if he remains indifferent? Then the highest wisdom comes into play. I have the ability to please myself. If you don’t wash the dishes, I can wash them for my mood, or I can choose not to wash them for my mood—go to sleep, listen to music, read a book, right? A happy marriage isn’t about doing what I want you to do, but about becoming the person I want to be. Your happiness shouldn't be built on whether he washed the two bowls or not.

If your emotions are entirely dependent on your partner’s behavior, then you are always a beggar, begging for his mercy. When you shift your focus from why he doesn’t change to how to make yourself happy right now, miracles often happen. Because happiness is attractive. When you become abundant, independent, and joyful, the magnetic field will draw that person toward you. Men are actually very simple: they like a happy partner. When they see you no longer as that explosive powder keg but as a calm cloud, they are more willing to come over and do things for you.

So, at the end of the story, the woman looked at her sleeping husband and staged a big scene in her mind. But in the end, she chose to let herself go. She no longer fussed over those two bowls, because she knew that a good night's sleep was a million times more important than two bowls.